I feel like I'm taking "crazy pills"

So, aside from the fact that I am indeed crazy, as of late, I feel like my life is a less adventuresome version of a “Beautiful Mind.” I am John Nash and everything around me is all a figment of my poor imagination. For those of you who know me, this is not a new musing. The idea that I may have invented my own reality has come up several times before wherein my friends resent the fact that I don’t view them as real.

But in essence, isn’t it all true? Isn’t everyone’s reality in fact a creation of their own mind so that they can deal with their surroundings while attaching some absurd logic to it? That’s the way my life seems to be.

To begin, I have this “friend” (so-called) who I have known for over a decade. And, as all things in life do, our “friendship” has to sadly come to an end. Maybe it’s because I am insane and have turned him into a person I loathe out of my own doing. Or maybe it’s his secretive nature to talk about me behind my back and never have the balls to deal with his issues head on. Or maybe it’s a cosmic force telling us from the beginning that we two are in fact doomed. It’s probably a combination of all three.

We have been in a perpetual state of fighting since the first day we met. And while I love his sense of humor and enjoy him tremendously, it will never work out between the two of us. And it has taken me nine years to realize it. Why nine years? Let’s just say I have never had some one in my life who is dually my best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up in a nice little package.

For my part, I am bitchy (see previous post). When I fight, I am defensive and can blame people for the entire problem when really, I have contributed to it just as badly. And I do expect a lot from people (hence the few friends who actually read this blog). And sometimes, unintentionally, I have hurt people I care about by revealing too much about what they confide in me behind closed doors. And for all those reasons, and many more, I am sorry.

For my part, I am also a loyal friend. As my dear little bujuhdt once famously quoted, “you don’t break up with your friends.” And this is true, especially for me. I will work on things to the point of exhaustion where I am sobbing uncontrollably, unable to comprehend. I have never broken up with a friend until now. And it’s a hard thing to deal with when it is not in your nature at all to abandon something you’ve worked so hard for.

But sadly, I am done. Since this is my own take on things I might as well reveal why I am done.

I am done reaching out. In my crazy little mind, I have been reaching out since I took the first step to establish a carpool with him. I have reached out to him after our infamous battle across the sea. I have reached out to him and apologized, searching for a way to resolve our issues. And I reached out last week, pleading for answers and receiving a “used to it.” Since he is so used to it, it should come as no surprise that it’s over.

For his part, he is a great person. He is funny, inquisitive, mystifying, and above all a good friend to those he really cares about. He is a good listener always willing to stare blankly into the wall as you ramble on about your own shit. He is kind to his friends and family. He lets everything roll off his back, unwilling to be daunted continuously by old problems and past shit. He works hard, is very smart, and takes time to get to know people. We have had wonderful times together, and stayed up late talking, and bonded over the hectic mess that is each of our lives. He has confided in me and I in him as we’ve grown up together. And I am sad to be letting all this go.

Maybe it’s because we communicate badly. Maybe it’s because we’re stubborn and neither of us wants to be the bigger person and have the conversation that desperately needs to happen. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. For whatever reason, the fighting has continued and now must come to an end. Because I can’t live my life waiting. I have stood at the train station waiting to board and I will wait forever if I don’t do something. If I don’t take a step, turn around, and walk in a new direction. If I don’t finally say to myself that I am worth more than that. If I don’t recognize that as much as you love someone, you can’t always make them fit into your reality. Friendships can’t always be mended. Old wounds and pain have divided us onto separate sides of the pool table when you look across and see the person you thought you always knew for the person they really are. And that person is a great person for others. But not for me.

Since I overanalyze everything, I’m sure I’ve overanalyzed this. And in his own way he will say to all of our friends that he has no idea what I’m talking about. And maybe it’s just the crazy pills babbling on for two pages. Whatever it is, I want to be out of the insane asylum and feel like me again. I want to change my reality.

We bring out the worst in each other when friends should be bringing out the best. This is the worst of me. To be so blunt, angry and finished. But then, I guess it was just in our nature to have things end this way.